Helpful Hint

The book Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward is an excellent book for survivors of any type of abuse. I found that the exercises in the book very helpful for sorting out what you truly believe from what you were manipulated and forced to believe.

Practical Tip

Make sure that you have a good support system in place before you try to reunite with an alienated loved one. When alienators find out about reunification attempts there are often attempts at sabotage. A support system will help you deal with these and keep you on the right track. 

The Alienated Child 

A child that has been or is currently being alienated from one or both parents is a child that is being abused. For the sake of simplicity I will speak in the terms of Alienating Parent and Target Parent, but please keep in mind that others can and do alienate children from one or both of their loving parents everyday.

 

An Alienating parent that chooses to alienate his/her child has chosen to teach his/her child many things. These lessons include hatred, deceit, suspicion, manipultation, and self-loathing. An alienated child becomes a warrior in the army of the alienated parent and given the destructive power of the weapons given to this child- severe psychological consequences can be the only result. A parent that has chosen to cut his/her child off from the other parent sends a very clear message to a child- ONLY HALF OF YOU IS OK! Often times this lesson is repeated in word and deed. When the Alienating parent gets angry at his/her child and tells him/her in a nasty tone-YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER/MOTHER; or they throw away gifts from the target parent and his/her extended family members; destroy pictures of the target parent and extended family members; the target parent is not allowed on the alienating parent's property during pick up and drop offs.

 

A child is often forced to call the target parent by his/her first name and the alienating parent's new partner becomes Dad or Mom. Sometimes a child's last name is changed to the partner's last name to reinforce this. A child suffers in silence as all of this happens. Unable to stop or escape this abuse a child must do what he/she can to survive it. This can sometimes mean participating in the destruction of the target parent. In his/her heart this is a very painful thing because when a child is forced to attack the target parent he/she is also being forced to attack part of him/herself and all he/she can do is hope that the target parent will still love him/her and never give up.

 

There are many ways that an alienating parent can alienate a child from a target parent. If you recognize your childhood experience when you read this then you're like several other kids out there. Some of them grow up and reunite with the target parent and others even help educate the community about the devastating consequences of the type of abuse.

 

If you've made it this far then you're a lot stronger than the alienators in your life gave you credit for. You're a survivor and you're not alone.